I’ve been contemplating what to write about this week and I found that I wasn’t really sure what direction to go in. We’ve had a busy week of doing lots of different things but none of them seemed like the subjects I could write much about.
I then realised that perhaps my post should step away from the norm of what I usually write about and step into talking a little bit about my relationship with God. For those who don’t know I am a Christian. I was brought up going to church every Sunday with my mum but I moved away from God when I was a teenager and turned back to him about five years ago because my life was a mess.
It hasn’t though been an easy journey. After the initial elation of turning back to God and surrendering my life to him I quickly realised in reality this is not as easy as it first seemed and my new found peace began to waiver.
Following God means doing what God asks even when you want to do something else or to follow your usual well worn tracks. It also means that the direction that you had in mind for your life to take may not be the direction that God wants you to go in. This means you find yourself in a situation of do I go my way, which feels comfortable and easy or do I go the way God wants me to go which means saying no to myself which at the time sometimes feels not easy and sometimes annoying.
I’m someone who likes to be in control, to know what I’m doing, where I’m going and how I’m going to get there. I’m also very independently driven and I like to sort all my problems out myself and move on, I don’t like talking about them and asking God for help, I like to deal with things myself, I’m usually a very private person probably because I don’t want people to judge the mistakes I make. The thing is that when you give your life to Christ your life is no longer your own and you have to trust that God knows you better than you know yourself and will always do what is best for you and that we usually don’t know what is best for us. He also asks us to bring our problems and worries to him for him to fix them. This all requires trusting God with your life and I have learnt I don’t trust God very well.
I think I have been playing a tug of war with God, I’ll follow you and do what you say when it suits me and what I want and what I think is safe and right for my life but I’ll pull away when you ask me to do something I don’t want to do or it seems too hard, or unfair.
I think we all like the idea of our lives being comfortable and easy, I certainly do, so when life isn’t as easy and as comfortable as I’d like it to be I don’t like it and I have a habit of trying to put it back into order myself rather than waiting to see what God might be about to do in the uncomfortable uneasy chaos.
The first year of having a baby is hard. I don’t know if it is hard for everyone but it was hard for me. I love Oscar more than anything, but I have to say that the first year of his life is a bit of a blur. I really felt the weight of responsibility of this little life and I wanted to get everything right. Which meant me taking control and trusting my own abilities instead of relying on God for help or handing over to him anything that felt too big or too difficult. Coupled with the tiredness the non stop busyness, the no time for yourself and the general feeling of I have no idea how to look after this little person and everything feels like it is just trial and error has meant that over the last year I have definitely become more distanced from God. I have lost that sense of peace inside. Other things have just got in the way.
This has all got me thinking in the last week, maybe I’m not as anchored to God as I first thought. If I was strongly anchored I wouldn’t be as movable when the storms come along. To be anchored in God means to trust him with my life and not to see him as having the human capability to break trust but to be a firm solid rock that doesn’t change, that doesn’t move that I can trust will always remain the same and keep His promises.
I’m not sure why I had to write about this this week, it almost feels a bit depressing (which I’m usually not) and I have put off publishing this post for nearly a week but it feels like this was something I was meant to share.